Hammer-philia

Feeling waaaay better. I got a fortune the other night at chinese food that said "You can have your cake and eat it to." OK so it was misspelled, but....

It's true, I think. I ended up hanging out with 3 different randoms on Xmas and after. Was okay, but after the 3 one, I was pretty much sure that Internet dates weren't for me. While it's always easy to tlak to nwe people, this one ArrogantEnthusiast dude was just too much!

He wore sunglasses even though it was night, he had hair past his shoulders, he touched me even though I had only just met him. he was wrapped up in himself, he talked about himself in the 3rd person, he was just arrogant and really the minutes went by so slowly. he had planned a hang-out form 5pm until 4 in the morning. But i got out after 7:30, when i met my friends to see a movie.

Ended up *making up with the Wizard* again. I can't analyze now, I just have to say, we're great together, and i wish he could be more normal about taking time away from each other and accepting what i have for him as something good in itself.

Mystic: Why can't new posts be responses to comments? Thanks for your comments, btw, everyone.

Hi Mystic and Mr. Blog-lurker,

(You guys are the only two that seem to be reading this, so I'll write just to you two.)
Nice to see you both today.

It's 5:30pm, and it's totally dark out. The Wizard finally dumped me, guys. He was right to do it, because I have been feeling very horrible about the relationship too. I don't really want to relive the conversation, or tell you all the sad and very painful things that were said, becasue my heart aches *AND* I"m having trouble sleeping too.

However, My friend "the Prince" sent me a nice card. He wrote that he has a feeling there are great things coming my way in the new year. What a sweet thing to write-- I have a feeling that if I can ever overcome some of my base anxieties that I have a great chance for change and growth too.

I live with a lot of anxiety. Anxiety about being alone, about being isolated. I don't like it at all. I wish that I could somehow begin to feel at east with it. I am anxious in relationships, but also anxious outside them. I am "fiercely independent," and yet I thrive with suitors. I am against sex though.

What happened with the Wizard? He loved me more than anyone has loved me, or he expressed it more than anyone ever has. (I know, D, that you loved me greatly). D & I had a real true, very very deep connection that the Wizard and I never had. What I've realized from being away from D for so long is that he is a once-in-a-lifetime type. So? Then one must live with bullshit forever, and D will remain my lost love forever. *sigh*

I've been thinking of getting a Hiptop phone. But I'm not sure. Perhaps it would make me feel totally conected all the time to the Internet. But then again, i could look up a word or an address from anywhere! Readers, please?

I think tonight, to temper the anxiety, i'll have to be alone in a bar. don't know what else to do. It's the first night of chanuka and I'm alone.

Please, if you're there and writing, please write me a comment or something. I could use it today. Just some reassurence. I know that it will take a little time to feel better. I just wonder how much? and what to do inthe waiting process? Help me.

Maybe some yoga?

Love, Hammer

The Wizard just got done yelling at me and hanging up the phone and saying "Fuck YOU!" I can prove that I didn't provoke him, because I am still somewhat calm. I have been feeling bad about everything.

Yesterday was a crazy day, and I was at home all day long, allowing time to let the Wizard bother me, etc. Today I really need to finish up ProfSex's paper, and also to begin work on ProfBigTime's. I decided that instead of telling everyone in my life what I'm "doing" or "about to do", I will calmly just go and do it and make that my supreme focus.

In dream-o-meter news, I dreamed that I was with my entire family and Wizard at a beach somewhere. I met Jerry Seinfeld there-- he was so cute. i wanted to become closer with him. We had this magical kind of eye contact. The Wizard and Seinfeld's wife kept bothering us when we were talking. I remember Wiz being at the table of the pizza place trying to chime in, but he really related to my grandfather. My grandfather loved the Wizard (Old Regime meets Old Regime, everyone!). Jerry's wife had way too much facial hair for a beautiful woman. In fact, every girl looked pretty from a distance but then when I got close to them they were hideously ugly. Pock-marked faces, unseen wrinkles, blistering sunburns covered by makeup.... I knew that Seinfeld and I had a special connection, a true understanding that could be expressed in a single look--an bond I have only felt with one other person before in my life. Incidentally, I said "Remember that one when you and Kramer...Oh, wait, You probably don't like to talk about the show anymre." He said, "Yeah, I really can't watch them any more, but it's okay." Analysis: Many things were going on here. Could I have been historicizing the Seinfeld era? I love that show, it really has something special that no other shows have. Also, the Wiz bonding with my grandfather shows that the Wiz is special, but not in a way that is directly pleasing or special-feeling to me, but more to other outside people in my life. Seinfeld's wife with a beard? Was it wish-fulfillment....?

I will catch up with everyone later....

Can I really extract myself from the Wizard? I think that in my mind it's "all or nothing." I get really scared of the prospect of "no Wizard," but I think and know that I would be fine without him. Someday, I want to get married and have children. The Wizard is a huge dufus, he is arrogant and narcissistic (how do you like that, Narc #2??), he psychologizes me and misreads me constantly. He has no problem insulting me. Here is a documentation of the rest of last night's email message.

I wrote in response to his email:

P.S. When you send me emails like the one below, it makes me feel that you totally don't support my work. Of course I am up late working!!!!!! ProfSex is due tomorrow and Bigtime is due FRIDAY! I am DEEEEEEEAAD! I didn't work all weekend because i was with you, and it was fun. Give me a break, ok? I didn't get to work all day because of xerox-queen. Please, now i feel so dejected. i was on a really good track till i read this.
you make me cry so much and you don't really know me, do you? that's okay. a girl needs some space, and you don't know how to give it.

he wrote:
i know there is no cell coverage/service at butler. i go to the hallway or outside to repsond to you every time you have called me when i was there. but you know what? i should learn more things from you from now on. you might even like me better if i resembled you more. you might finally stop delivering your perennial "you don't understand me" jab.

***He has never trusted me.*** A bit of background: Whenever my phone is off or i'm with other friends (since the first day I met him) he has thrown fits and more fits about me cheating on him. On the first week we were together, I was with Hyde at her house having a grand time.

Hold on, I need to do something: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK HiM! For ruining my life! For never understanding me! For all of the insults! Fuck him for his retarded condescension, for wasting my time, and for expecting me to overlook the age thing. Fuck him, for constantly terrorizing me with emails and texts, for never leaving me alone for a single day, unless we break up. Fuck him, for asking me to "check in", and for all in all being an unsupportive asshole with regards to my well-being (except as much as it pleases him to see me "well) and with regards to my work and my life. Can't I get this? The guy is bad for me. ***I am very angry and upset at him.***

I used to have a mentor, an older friend who already finished her doctorate. She said to me, when I decided to go to grad school that "In grad school, I had only one boyfriend, Thomas DeQuincy" (that was who she wrote her phd about). I like that idea, if only I could be more loyal, if only I could be comfortable just working in my home, alone, and knowing that I have great friends out in the world who will still be there when I emerge. As Hyde's therapist said to her, with your phd, you are engaged, engaged with the work.

I need an outlet.I don't do the party-nighttime thing alone like Hyde. I am too shy. I need tonotbe alone in my apartment at night and in the day, obsessing all the time about the stuff that needs to get done. I HATE HIM. I really hate myself for being with him. I hate him. This is babble, but I need to release it somewhere. And here is where it's going.

so no one likes the "bitch about the Wizard" postings. And I don't blame them.
Was up late working on my paper last night. still working at it, chipping away.
I had to take a cab all the way from 116th down to the village. $15! Yuck!
Working on some interesting ideas about ideas and how they will saturate a certain historical moment. Also how people aren't ready to remember certain things in history until years into the future.

(as he usually does when i write this)
I am at school, it's 1:15, and I have been hard at work for a long time. My cellpohone died.

I wrote:

no bars left


Damnit! I just wrote you a long email and then it got lost!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll try to give you a call later, if i can get it to work.

working hard and well, although i'm in "self-punishing" mode.

love g*

He calls me a stupid name that starts with a "g".

Then, this is the response:

Mr. Mystic,
We all love you!
Do not abandon us!
You were right about everything, the sleepwalking, etc.
I hope someday though, you can make yourself vulnerable on your blog.
-Hammer

**I don't know if this belongs in the dream-o-meter category or not, that's how surreal this episode is.** We all know that a blog is a subjective device, and so thus I will begin my story, subjectively. The Wizard was here, sleeping in my bed with me tonight. We were both fast asleep when he jolted awake and began screaming at me. "Fuck YOU!" He yelled. I was half-asleep, so I am really not too clear on exactly what he said, but it was scary as hell, and I will continue to try to document it. "Get the FUCK away from me!" "Wh-whwh what, hhhappened?" I asked in fear and anxiety and half asleep. He imposed, "You fucking know what happened. I am not a fucking sponge! You pushed your nails or your teeth into my back!" His face looked weird, like not himself, and he looked me in the face and kept on going. My freak-out level, meanwhile, had reached full throttle. I said, "Wizard, it's me, it's me, hammer. Cmon, you know me. If I hurt you, I'm so sorry, it was a total accident!" "Of course it's fucking you. I'm going to call the police!" He went on with more insults and strangeness, and I began manically hyperventillating, like I used to when I was a child, and it still happens to me in nightmare mode from time to time. I turned on the light, and he covered his face and lay down. Meanwhile, I was breathing hard and heavy and really hyperventillating in true fear. He scared the daylights out of me with that. I turned on the light, and he mumbled but didn't say much. I came into the living room, crying audibly, a ball of shear emotion. Then I went back into the room. He was there, and I asked him to please go home. "Go home, Wizard!" He then took his arms away from his face. Nice Wizard was back. He said, "It's me, Hammer, it's me." I explained to him what happened, he had no recollection of yelling at me, of pushing me around, of lashing out. I recounted to him what had happened. He sais he recalled "some noise" and he felt a distinct poke on his back, of major pain for a split second. He did not really apologize, but he wrote everything off to "sleep". The more I reminded him of all the "fucks", the more he would say, "OK, I understand, i heard you." My mood and tone was silence and shock. I was not harping. I kept looking at him, because I remembered his face a few minutes earlier, the same face, but angry, angry. There was no way to reconcile the whole episode.

The Wiz went to the bathroom, and when he came back, he pointed to a red mark on his back. "See? That is where it hurts. That's what you did to me." I looked closely at the mark. It was a scar that has been there for a really long time, for like 5 years. So strange.

He was being sweet again, saying "what is the best thing for you right now?" honestly, i kind of just wanted him to leave. I think he sensed that. He laid down in the bed and he turned off the light, while I came into the living room and began working on my paper again. I stayed that way for 5 minutes, and then he got up, got dressed and left. So now he's gone.

My analysis: I'm not sure what to say. I've always gone to the Wizard for comfort. I feel distinctly uncomfortable with everything that just happened. (Please, Mystic, no snide comments, I am very sensitive right now.) Supposing that I did awaken him with an dig of the fingernails (totally unconscious), does that justify a complete (and granted, also unconscious) lashing out and freaking out? These issues, of course, are not up for moral debate. But I am left with the feeling that there is some aspect of the Wizard, a basic element of his personality, that I absolutely cannot understand, and I do not like. This weird unconscious yelling man, who screamed at me in the dark in my bedroom, has something in common with the e-mailing Wizard, the yelling Wizard who always thinks I am lurking around or playing a trick on him. It's still him, folks, just enhanced, and he will not, will never, accept moral accountability for this stuff. I guess this is more of the "dark side" i have described in the past. Very, very weird.... I am unsettled, and it's nearly 4am.

It could have been a ghost.
I think it's weird that two people would fight even at night.

http://www.rapestop.net/


The woman inserts it when she feels like she may get raped; the rapist sticks his penis into a snarl of prickly spindles and screams in pain; the woman is saved from the full experience of the rape! Miraculous!

Like today. I think I had a dream that I was in a play with a bunch of girls and we were singing, "I wish that I was Jessie's giiiiiirrrrl...." It was so fun, and it made me miss being a little girl, all playful, and with lower stakes, so much. Sometimes I feel so profoundly lonely.

I just woke up and the Wiz called me right away. He started talking in my ear, about some administrative thing or other, but I was in this deep weird mood, so I said, in my half-asleep voice, "Can I call you back in a bit?" I think that pissed him off.

Hyde summerized the Wizard perfectly last night: He fails or gets upset (turns into O.G.) when people don't meet him exactly where he is, at his needs. I have a bunch of papers to do, but it doesn't matter to him.

Grrrrr... I want a major adventure so badly sometimes. But I can't be alone in the winter... maybe April we'll break up.

Right?

....why I started grad school in the first place. It was to read as much as possible. But that doesn't mean that I don't need SO much discipline for that. I don't have much discipline.

I was in the library all day reading through a 40-page treatise on "the Jewish race" all in French, written in 1893. The interesting thing is, although the treatise was "racial" it was not meant to be "racist." The writer painstakingly defined each and every element of Jewish charicateristics, and then showed how they were connected to the Israelites of the Bible. He investigated Jewish eye color versus the eye color of the countries in which the Jews lived, such as France, RUssia, Poland, England, etc. etc. Then he went to hair color, skull size, nose width, etc, in order to illustrate all of the elements of beiing Jewish. I will say this again: he was doing this *in favor of* the Jews, not against them. I thought this exercise was very strange. The tone was extremely scientific, but the very lack of solid evidence and the strange methodology made the guy go over his point several times and try to prove and re-prove what he was trying to say--namely that indeed the Jews are a distinct race, and that they are the inheritors of the Biblical Canaanites.

The whole discipline of anthropology just died straight after WWII. Nothing substantial happened in science, I don't think it did anyway, until DNA was discovered. But people realized that mixing scientific-sounding pieces with sociological and ideological arguments was dangerous indeed. Yes-- and at the same time the great powers pulled out of their colonies, answering the nationalisms of the once-colonized areas to emerge and define themselves as they wanted to be defined. The Jews were the first to be analyzed in this racial manner, because Europeans viewed them as the first infiltrators of their "pure" nation-states. Now we can appreciate Darwin for his genius, but it took time to realize that genetics was not what was hurting people-- it was groupings and fixed categories which gave way to scales of inferiority and superiority--a veritible war between Aryans and Semites. Very very strange....

... so I could sleep for the rest of the winter and hide away with a full tummy. All I want to do is eat and sleep..... eat and sleep.....

Between the horrible christmas music blaring in every store and restaurant (yuck, i hate it) and the darkness at 4pm everyday (hate it hate it!) I have been quite angry this week. Here are some things that I have done badly:
1) Made a wrong-headed and stupid confrontation with my department chair in the history dept because PPP and ProfSex were wondering who my "real" advisor was.
2) Got pissed off at one of the dancers in my ballet class because the teacher yelled at me about spacing and then this woman got all up in my business and messed up my across-the-floor combination
3) Showed up late to my dr. appointment today to have the dr. chide me; meanwhile, she was late by an hour and i had already worked around her schedule
4) Sent an email to my stupid roommate stating that no, she could not move out at the end of the month, because we agreed on the end of January!

All in all, waaaaaay too many people have seen "angry hammer" than usual. Ballet Teach, Therapist, History department chair...???? Am I really becoming a New Yorker, or what?

GRRRRRRRRR!

http://chronicle.com/temp/reprint.php?id=63klkx6drw34y6cqfktwkfd7c3ns9t6j

this is me:

I woke up this morning feeling grossly undervalued by most men I have known. D was right.

I'm reading about the four years of the German occupation in France, which were known as Les annees noires, the dark years. These days it gets dark at 4pm, and so the title had a peculiar resonance.
I've been pretty busy, with work and whatnot, but not overly anxious or stressed. The weekend was mellow, and I got to spend some nice DT with Wiz. I have three papers looming on the horizon, plus I may just close on an apartment down the street very soon.
It's a studio, and it needs a wall in order to become a one-bedroom. Can you believe I'll have my very own place? WOOooooooooT!
In Manhattan, we live like retards, that's a fact. At least I'll turn 30 with no roommate.
On Saturday I went out with Hyde-y and NDN. Did anyone know that I hate Anxious? It's just that she and I have a rivalry over Hyde. It's fine, becuase she showed up to the bar in a strapless black number--honestly she looked pathetic. Hyde wanted me to do Karaoke with her, "Manic Monday." If only they had called us up after I had my tanqueray and tonic. Oh well. Timesy had a piece on the front page on Sunday. Yippy for hiM!
(not that i really care, but he's a character here, so....)
Also, just for the record, I did not go out with Mr. ShirtlessDude from the last post. I would not go out with him after receiving such clearly sexual advances even before we meet. I am not that kind of girl, people! Give me some credit! What's more, I do think that his photo is professionally done, i think he modelled for some newspaper or other. Who knows, and who really cares? I also disagree with Dan's comment, that good-looking people need not check the Internet for dates. Manhattan's a lonely city for all, Dan, good-looking and ugly alike! I also think that there are some people who need constant reassurance that they are hot, so they do those web sites like "Am I hot?" (something that Narc told me about), or they fish for girls or guys on the internet with some bait in the form of a photo.
Meanwhile, Wiz and I have been shopping for pairs of pants for him. He is such a cute model ssometimes. (There, did you vomit?)
I have been thinking a lot about identity and memory after the Holocaust, and I will write a paper on that soon.
That's it,
Hammer

This conversation happened a few weeks ago, via one of the Websites where you meet people.


Guy: [Sends "wink" or "hello."]
Me, writing back: So, how did you find me?
Guy: Either the Internet, or fate.
pick one.
Also, I was wondering whether you would like to be my date to the prom, er, med school formal thingy at the Roosevelt hotel.
game?
Me:When? And what exactly is it?
Guy: It's at the Roosevelt hotel. 9-12 pm, Friday 12/2.
Me: what do i wear?
Guy: Whatever you want. I'm sure you look absolutely stunning in anything you choose. Perhaps a better question is what do I wear? Do you prefer black? or gray pinstripe?

If you are in town this weekend, perhaps we could meet to, you know, make up stories about how we meet and other scandalous thing.

----Next part of story----
We email a bit on thanksgiving, and then he immediately starts saying words like "clitoris" before even asking my name. He tells me he's a sex writer and studying to be a psychiatrist. Then he says "I need your email. I want you to read something I wrote."

So he emails me the following document, read at your own risk:

When you hold a woman's legs apart and use your tongue and talents correctly, you may become a VERY popular lover indeed. Songs may be written about you. Statues erected of your likeness. College dorms named after you. At the very least, you'll have a few lonely nights. As one of the very hot ladies on 'Sex And The City' once said, "If a man could do that well, he doesnt need to do anything else." How true it is.
Now, for those who dont know a vulva from a Volvo, or a clitoral hood from a car hood, lets start with a quick and simple anatomy lesson, so we're all on the same page when it comes to descriptions. The entire outside of the vagina is called the Vulva. The large, soft outside lips are the labia majora, while the inside, thinner and more delicate lips are called the labia minora. High up top, is the clitoral hood, which when lifted reveals the clitoris itself, which can actually swell and become somewhat erect when stimulated. the small opening right below the clit is the urethra, where urine emits. And the larger opening below the urethra of course, is the vagina. Please say you got all that? good, lets get to it.

Time for the Do's and Dont's.
Do understand, please, that every person on the planet is different. One woman's honey may be another's poison, or something like that. Instructions are fine but we're not assembling a bicycle here. There's more than one way to do it. As they say, communication is they key. If she likes what you're doing, or even loves it, keep it up. if she doesnt like your technique, all is lost. Just dial it down a notch, perhaps begin with the basics as i will explain them.
Don’t rush to the vagina as soon as you're both aroused enough to undress. Take your time, impatient one, it will be worth the wait and increases her arousal tenfold. Start with her neck and shoulders. Caress, kiss and lick your way down her chest, lingering on her breasts. I CANNOT overstate how sensitive a woman's nipples are. When you circle around her aureoles with your lips or fingers, then lighty [or not so lightly, depending on her] squeeze her nipples, she'll likely feel the vibration right down to her buzzing pussy. Not too long on her nipples, though- she may get sensitive quickly and you dont want to make her squirm- yet. Kiss the soft insides of her thighs, her calves, even her feet. by the time you get down to the vagina itself, she should be primed and aching for your tongue.
Do take your time and by all means, enjoy yourself down there. It's what you've been dreaming about, right? Savor the moment. Kiss it, caress it, rub your thumbs all over the soft folds of beautiful flesh. Are you getting the picture? This is no time to rush, youre not eating a ice cream cone. it's not going to melt. Be slow and thorough. Trust me, she'll appreciate it.
Dont go right for the kill and start off by licking her clit. most guys are results oriented and want to make her cum fast. But it's not all about the orgasm, it's about the journey. So slow down. Lick her outside and inside pussy lips first, with broad, flat strokes of your tongue. Lick around the inside of her vagina and if you like, use your stiffened tongue like a mini penis, sticking it in and out of the hole. Now, with all this prep work [if you would like to consider this work ;)] is done, move your tongue up to her clit and even when you get there, toy with it. [This is a great time to practice writing out your ABCs with your tongue. it covers all areas of her clit] Lick the clit in circles, lick over the top, around the bottom- all before you really get down the business, which is sucking her clit into your mouth and licking it fast with the tip of your tongue until she cums.
Dont neglect her nipples either. With your tongue on her clit, reach up, over, whatever and gently hold her breasts. As she gets closer, circle her aureoles lightly, as i mentioned earlier. But this time, her as breathing and body language announce her impending orgasm, squeeze her nipples. Some ladies will even save you the trouble and do it themselves....hehehe They know the extra stimulation will break the bank, sending them crashing into climax at warp speed.
Her moans and cries will prove me right.
Do try different positions! They keep things from getting stale as a result of repetition. If you, as a lover, always keep her guessing whats next, whats new and different, you'll always be at the top of her "To Do" list. She'll always look forward to the get togethers with you.
When she's about to cum, you know you're doing the right thing. So don’t change your approach just as she's gonna blow. This is CRUCIAL. If you're sucking on her clit and she's squirming and shaking, her breath coming in gasps, do’nt suddenly switch to licking her clit with broad strokes. You'll kill the flow. If she's just about there, just keep doing what you're doing until she cums.
Above all, Do go for it! If you remember just one thing, it's to lick, fondle and suck your way to her heart.. or just to an orgasm if it's only a one time thing. There's not down side to giving her oral sex. no taboo, no mystery, just expressing how you feel about each other. So go for it.

I immediately start asking him who this is for, and where it's published, because obviously it's for guys, not girls, to learn how to give oral sex. He claims it's for his guy friends. I think he uses it to pick up girls and get them immediately horny. The best part is, with the article is a photo of him! Here it is:


hahahah! Ok, so he's hot! But what's up with the splashy water and the show-offy ness of that? Why do I feel like I'm looking at gay porn? And what's going on with his facial expression?

Anyway, he would probably be a hot guy, and he might just completley turn me on if I went to bed with him. But I felt like if I agreed to go to the prom thingy, then i would be agreeing also to sleep with him. Internet dates are fine, but I would like to think that the guy wants to know my name, and his horniness isn't so desperate that he's begging for sex the second he writes me. A date's a date. The rest is all speculation.

Thought this was entertaining!