Sunday, December 25, 2005
Bored and Alone. Maybe forever?
Hi Mystic and Mr. Blog-lurker,
(You guys are the only two that seem to be reading this, so I'll write just to you two.)
Nice to see you both today.
It's 5:30pm, and it's totally dark out. The Wizard finally dumped me, guys. He was right to do it, because I have been feeling very horrible about the relationship too. I don't really want to relive the conversation, or tell you all the sad and very painful things that were said, becasue my heart aches *AND* I"m having trouble sleeping too.
However, My friend "the Prince" sent me a nice card. He wrote that he has a feeling there are great things coming my way in the new year. What a sweet thing to write-- I have a feeling that if I can ever overcome some of my base anxieties that I have a great chance for change and growth too.
I live with a lot of anxiety. Anxiety about being alone, about being isolated. I don't like it at all. I wish that I could somehow begin to feel at east with it. I am anxious in relationships, but also anxious outside them. I am "fiercely independent," and yet I thrive with suitors. I am against sex though.
What happened with the Wizard? He loved me more than anyone has loved me, or he expressed it more than anyone ever has. (I know, D, that you loved me greatly). D & I had a real true, very very deep connection that the Wizard and I never had. What I've realized from being away from D for so long is that he is a once-in-a-lifetime type. So? Then one must live with bullshit forever, and D will remain my lost love forever. *sigh*
I've been thinking of getting a Hiptop phone. But I'm not sure. Perhaps it would make me feel totally conected all the time to the Internet. But then again, i could look up a word or an address from anywhere! Readers, please?
I think tonight, to temper the anxiety, i'll have to be alone in a bar. don't know what else to do. It's the first night of chanuka and I'm alone.
Please, if you're there and writing, please write me a comment or something. I could use it today. Just some reassurence. I know that it will take a little time to feel better. I just wonder how much? and what to do inthe waiting process? Help me.
Maybe some yoga?
Love, Hammer
(You guys are the only two that seem to be reading this, so I'll write just to you two.)
Nice to see you both today.
It's 5:30pm, and it's totally dark out. The Wizard finally dumped me, guys. He was right to do it, because I have been feeling very horrible about the relationship too. I don't really want to relive the conversation, or tell you all the sad and very painful things that were said, becasue my heart aches *AND* I"m having trouble sleeping too.
However, My friend "the Prince" sent me a nice card. He wrote that he has a feeling there are great things coming my way in the new year. What a sweet thing to write-- I have a feeling that if I can ever overcome some of my base anxieties that I have a great chance for change and growth too.
I live with a lot of anxiety. Anxiety about being alone, about being isolated. I don't like it at all. I wish that I could somehow begin to feel at east with it. I am anxious in relationships, but also anxious outside them. I am "fiercely independent," and yet I thrive with suitors. I am against sex though.
What happened with the Wizard? He loved me more than anyone has loved me, or he expressed it more than anyone ever has. (I know, D, that you loved me greatly). D & I had a real true, very very deep connection that the Wizard and I never had. What I've realized from being away from D for so long is that he is a once-in-a-lifetime type. So? Then one must live with bullshit forever, and D will remain my lost love forever. *sigh*
I've been thinking of getting a Hiptop phone. But I'm not sure. Perhaps it would make me feel totally conected all the time to the Internet. But then again, i could look up a word or an address from anywhere! Readers, please?
I think tonight, to temper the anxiety, i'll have to be alone in a bar. don't know what else to do. It's the first night of chanuka and I'm alone.
Please, if you're there and writing, please write me a comment or something. I could use it today. Just some reassurence. I know that it will take a little time to feel better. I just wonder how much? and what to do inthe waiting process? Help me.
Maybe some yoga?
Love, Hammer
# posted by Jessica @ 25.12.05 
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