Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Can I do it?
Can I really extract myself from the Wizard? I think that in my mind it's "all or nothing." I get really scared of the prospect of "no Wizard," but I think and know that I would be fine without him. Someday, I want to get married and have children. The Wizard is a huge dufus, he is arrogant and narcissistic (how do you like that, Narc #2??), he psychologizes me and misreads me constantly. He has no problem insulting me. Here is a documentation of the rest of last night's email message.
I wrote in response to his email:
P.S. When you send me emails like the one below, it makes me feel that you totally don't support my work. Of course I am up late working!!!!!! ProfSex is due tomorrow and Bigtime is due FRIDAY! I am DEEEEEEEAAD! I didn't work all weekend because i was with you, and it was fun. Give me a break, ok? I didn't get to work all day because of xerox-queen. Please, now i feel so dejected. i was on a really good track till i read this.
you make me cry so much and you don't really know me, do you? that's okay. a girl needs some space, and you don't know how to give it.
he wrote:
i know there is no cell coverage/service at butler. i go to the hallway or outside to repsond to you every time you have called me when i was there. but you know what? i should learn more things from you from now on. you might even like me better if i resembled you more. you might finally stop delivering your perennial "you don't understand me" jab.
***He has never trusted me.*** A bit of background: Whenever my phone is off or i'm with other friends (since the first day I met him) he has thrown fits and more fits about me cheating on him. On the first week we were together, I was with Hyde at her house having a grand time.
Hold on, I need to do something: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK HiM! For ruining my life! For never understanding me! For all of the insults! Fuck him for his retarded condescension, for wasting my time, and for expecting me to overlook the age thing. Fuck him, for constantly terrorizing me with emails and texts, for never leaving me alone for a single day, unless we break up. Fuck him, for asking me to "check in", and for all in all being an unsupportive asshole with regards to my well-being (except as much as it pleases him to see me "well) and with regards to my work and my life. Can't I get this? The guy is bad for me. ***I am very angry and upset at him.***
I used to have a mentor, an older friend who already finished her doctorate. She said to me, when I decided to go to grad school that "In grad school, I had only one boyfriend, Thomas DeQuincy" (that was who she wrote her phd about). I like that idea, if only I could be more loyal, if only I could be comfortable just working in my home, alone, and knowing that I have great friends out in the world who will still be there when I emerge. As Hyde's therapist said to her, with your phd, you are engaged, engaged with the work.
I need an outlet.I don't do the party-nighttime thing alone like Hyde. I am too shy. I need tonotbe alone in my apartment at night and in the day, obsessing all the time about the stuff that needs to get done. I HATE HIM. I really hate myself for being with him. I hate him. This is babble, but I need to release it somewhere. And here is where it's going.
I wrote in response to his email:
P.S. When you send me emails like the one below, it makes me feel that you totally don't support my work. Of course I am up late working!!!!!! ProfSex is due tomorrow and Bigtime is due FRIDAY! I am DEEEEEEEAAD! I didn't work all weekend because i was with you, and it was fun. Give me a break, ok? I didn't get to work all day because of xerox-queen. Please, now i feel so dejected. i was on a really good track till i read this.
you make me cry so much and you don't really know me, do you? that's okay. a girl needs some space, and you don't know how to give it.
he wrote:
i would love to know you better so i could just be wide open, as I once was with you, when you tell me, as you do now, that i should trust you, period.
i never get credit for any efforts i make in that direction, no matter how recent the past hurts. you quickly become furious and the opposite of reassuring with your manner of acting. you can be erratic impulsive and drastic. i do not take well to your written or spoken insults. and whatever issue i mention on the theme of trust you toss out the window with anger. you don't help your own cause with that, nor with never admitting to doing ANYthing wrong. Hence your fury at any criticism or questions.
***He has never trusted me.*** A bit of background: Whenever my phone is off or i'm with other friends (since the first day I met him) he has thrown fits and more fits about me cheating on him. On the first week we were together, I was with Hyde at her house having a grand time.
Hold on, I need to do something: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK HiM! For ruining my life! For never understanding me! For all of the insults! Fuck him for his retarded condescension, for wasting my time, and for expecting me to overlook the age thing. Fuck him, for constantly terrorizing me with emails and texts, for never leaving me alone for a single day, unless we break up. Fuck him, for asking me to "check in", and for all in all being an unsupportive asshole with regards to my well-being (except as much as it pleases him to see me "well) and with regards to my work and my life. Can't I get this? The guy is bad for me. ***I am very angry and upset at him.***
I used to have a mentor, an older friend who already finished her doctorate. She said to me, when I decided to go to grad school that "In grad school, I had only one boyfriend, Thomas DeQuincy" (that was who she wrote her phd about). I like that idea, if only I could be more loyal, if only I could be comfortable just working in my home, alone, and knowing that I have great friends out in the world who will still be there when I emerge. As Hyde's therapist said to her, with your phd, you are engaged, engaged with the work.
I need an outlet.I don't do the party-nighttime thing alone like Hyde. I am too shy. I need tonotbe alone in my apartment at night and in the day, obsessing all the time about the stuff that needs to get done. I HATE HIM. I really hate myself for being with him. I hate him. This is babble, but I need to release it somewhere. And here is where it's going.
# posted by Jessica @ 21.12.05 
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