Hammer-philia

**I don't know if this belongs in the dream-o-meter category or not, that's how surreal this episode is.** We all know that a blog is a subjective device, and so thus I will begin my story, subjectively. The Wizard was here, sleeping in my bed with me tonight. We were both fast asleep when he jolted awake and began screaming at me. "Fuck YOU!" He yelled. I was half-asleep, so I am really not too clear on exactly what he said, but it was scary as hell, and I will continue to try to document it. "Get the FUCK away from me!" "Wh-whwh what, hhhappened?" I asked in fear and anxiety and half asleep. He imposed, "You fucking know what happened. I am not a fucking sponge! You pushed your nails or your teeth into my back!" His face looked weird, like not himself, and he looked me in the face and kept on going. My freak-out level, meanwhile, had reached full throttle. I said, "Wizard, it's me, it's me, hammer. Cmon, you know me. If I hurt you, I'm so sorry, it was a total accident!" "Of course it's fucking you. I'm going to call the police!" He went on with more insults and strangeness, and I began manically hyperventillating, like I used to when I was a child, and it still happens to me in nightmare mode from time to time. I turned on the light, and he covered his face and lay down. Meanwhile, I was breathing hard and heavy and really hyperventillating in true fear. He scared the daylights out of me with that. I turned on the light, and he mumbled but didn't say much. I came into the living room, crying audibly, a ball of shear emotion. Then I went back into the room. He was there, and I asked him to please go home. "Go home, Wizard!" He then took his arms away from his face. Nice Wizard was back. He said, "It's me, Hammer, it's me." I explained to him what happened, he had no recollection of yelling at me, of pushing me around, of lashing out. I recounted to him what had happened. He sais he recalled "some noise" and he felt a distinct poke on his back, of major pain for a split second. He did not really apologize, but he wrote everything off to "sleep". The more I reminded him of all the "fucks", the more he would say, "OK, I understand, i heard you." My mood and tone was silence and shock. I was not harping. I kept looking at him, because I remembered his face a few minutes earlier, the same face, but angry, angry. There was no way to reconcile the whole episode.

The Wiz went to the bathroom, and when he came back, he pointed to a red mark on his back. "See? That is where it hurts. That's what you did to me." I looked closely at the mark. It was a scar that has been there for a really long time, for like 5 years. So strange.

He was being sweet again, saying "what is the best thing for you right now?" honestly, i kind of just wanted him to leave. I think he sensed that. He laid down in the bed and he turned off the light, while I came into the living room and began working on my paper again. I stayed that way for 5 minutes, and then he got up, got dressed and left. So now he's gone.

My analysis: I'm not sure what to say. I've always gone to the Wizard for comfort. I feel distinctly uncomfortable with everything that just happened. (Please, Mystic, no snide comments, I am very sensitive right now.) Supposing that I did awaken him with an dig of the fingernails (totally unconscious), does that justify a complete (and granted, also unconscious) lashing out and freaking out? These issues, of course, are not up for moral debate. But I am left with the feeling that there is some aspect of the Wizard, a basic element of his personality, that I absolutely cannot understand, and I do not like. This weird unconscious yelling man, who screamed at me in the dark in my bedroom, has something in common with the e-mailing Wizard, the yelling Wizard who always thinks I am lurking around or playing a trick on him. It's still him, folks, just enhanced, and he will not, will never, accept moral accountability for this stuff. I guess this is more of the "dark side" i have described in the past. Very, very weird.... I am unsettled, and it's nearly 4am.

It could have been a ghost.
I think it's weird that two people would fight even at night.