Hammer-philia

I just woke up and noticed that my kitchen garbage can is infested with an ant colony. The ants are streaming in underneath the front door and marching single file into the garbage bin and back out. There are a lot of them. I had a very long day of work yesterday, in which I didn't get to eat dinner until after 11. Mohawk came over after that, which was fine, fine, fine with me, as you can imagine! But now, I feel a bit crappy. I'm trying to figure out why, exactly....

He called me at 5pm yesterday afternoon. I wasn't home and didn't get his message for a few hours. Called back, he was napping but soon we talked. I was headed to my 2nd library gig of the day. I told him I'd call when I got out, and did he want to get a drink, perhaps??? He said, "Not drinking, but tea." I said ok.

I called as planned, and said "so what are we doing??" And he said "I'll stop by, but do you have tea?" I said yes.

I made my dinner, and he came over before too long, at about 11:30ish. I gave him some of my home-made guacamole. And some tea, and we watched Breakfast at Tiffany's, which I had taped on the Tivo, and I realized that when he's here, we only watch old-school New York movies. He was affectionate and sweet with me. We made out on the couch, and then came to the bedroom.

For whatever reason, he couldn't/didn't want to "go on" or "finish." I feel a little weird about that, although it could be due to the condom. We talked for a bit, he told me about his ex-girlfriends. He told me of the way he broke up with the most recent one. He just left one day for Argentina, and stayed for 6 months. The girl asked, "Were you going to break up with me?" He answered, "Ummmm... Yeah..." And she was mad at him, and then he went there. She couldn't forgive him, but it didn't seem like he tried to get her back either. I said, "Well, I guess everyone has their priorities." He said, "Yeah, I can be a like that sometimes." Me: "like what?" Him: "Cold." Pause. Then, "Not for everyone," he mumbled under his breath. I said, "How so?" He said, "It's a two-fold answer. Being cold is not for everyone, and I'm not for everyone." I didn't know what to say for that.

Before too long, he said "What time is it?" I guessed that it was about 3am. He said "Shit, I have to leave!" And then he left. He said he had things to do tomorrow. I told him that my feelings were a little hurt by his departure. I have been trying to be more honest and up-front without creating a drama. He said, "Awwww... I'm sorry, I don't mean to hurt your feelings." He was rushing, kind of. He kissed me sweetly. As he was at the door, I said, "Am I the only one that wants to see you more frequently? Um, I mean, what are you doing this weekend?"

He said, "Oh? This weekend??? I'm going to Atlantic City." I said, "Wow, well, double-down...." And then he was gone.

I feel kind of weird. I don't like these "shortened" dates, where you meet for a few hours and then take off, not to see each other again for a 5, 6 days? A whole week perhaps? And it's not as if he's pleading to see me again. But I must say one thing about Mohawk, in general: He responds quite well when I initiate things, emotionally or plan-wise. He never talks to me while we're making out, nor compliments me, nor says anything. But once I said something to him, then he started gushing over me. I'm well-aware that he's insecure, about his body for one thing. But I'm not sure that I want to continue with such an elusive character. But one of the things that I'm working on, one thing that brings me a degree of anxiety, is the not-knowing, or the beginning phases of a relationship. I am one to usually dive into unhealthy things, especially in these last few years. My usual pattern is to flirt with a guy where I work or something, zero in on him, and then ka-boom, we're in some sort of relationship. This Mohawk thing is a big challenge, because I'm just *not sure* where it's going, and I need to hold on *with patience* for a few more meetings to really know. He seems to take a while to open up, and so I need to slow down big-time to work with his pace. It's hard for me, because I'm eager, and because I like him. Today, though, feels like I'm suddenly OK to not see him for awhile. He tried yesterday. Yesterday was his move. I'll probably see him again, soon enough, at least before my parents come. (Btw, any words of advice or guidance from the audience?? I feel like if he comes online today, I need to say "Sorry for the weird emotional-ness last night. But then, I shouldn't apologize, should I ? I should just act "normal." Uggh... I really am the female Woody Allen sometimes!!!) In the meantime, I'm going to take a page out of Spinsterwitch, and go on another date with someone else. A guy from the Web site called me (screenname: Jonny Be Good,) and he passed the voice-test. At least according to voice-mail. He was also very nice online, and seemed fun and energetic and quite honest too. (He wrote, "You're Hot!")

In the meantime, I have a lot going on today and for this whole week! Not only do I have the Algeria paper to finish over the next few days (which is going quite well, btw), but I also have the end-of-semester party today. I will see all of my prof's , and I'm working on getting the oral-exams committee together to take the test next December. (That is the huge exam, with 5 professors, who can ask you any questions out of a list of about two to three hundred books. It's the exam that the Wiz failed two times, causing him to be dropped from the PhD program.)
After the end-of-year party, I'm meeting up with some close friends, the Zems--who are like family to me, my parents closest friends, and they are taking me out to dinner and then to see a Broadway play! Oh Boy!!!!!!!!! Tomorrow, Friday, I really will get some time to continue on my research. And then, you'll never guess what I'm doing!!! Good old Mini-man, who I have only met one time, but continues and persists in e-mailing me, is having a birthday bash at some shmancy-fancy restaurant in mid-town. He's buying everyone dinner and drinks. I figure, "why not?" He's been soooo persistent, even after I told him blatantly that I'm not interested in romance. He continues to write an email once a week, at least, without provocation, telling me how much he misses me! It's weird. So I figured I'd go to his birthday for awhile. Then, I am not kidding, on Saturday morning, I signed up to run 10K, longer than I've ever gone before. I'm nervous and excited, and I hope that I can run the whole way. Saturday afternoon, my friend--the Zems' daughter-in-law-- i having a graduation from med school bash in New Jersey. Saturday night, i'll probably be zonked out, and Sunday, I'm free, if only I can get my shit together to work on the paper and not spend the day on lame internet sites or obsessing over the blogs!

Somehow the ant colony has set the mood for the day.... It's bright, and my apartment is otherwise spotless. I have a great day and awesome weekend ahead of me: my work is going well, my friends are all fine, and my family is coming in just one week. I am all set up with a summer job, and my career feels like it's finally reaching the "next level" after three lo-o-o-ong years of course-work. But there is a small colony of ants, infecting the way that I go about the day. They're not really hurting anything, not yet anyway. But like the Salvador Dali painting, they are a symbol of what's to come-- a harbinger of some kind of hopeless, dark future. They've begun to camp out in my apartment... how much longer before they colonize my soul?

Hammer