Thursday, May 18, 2006
It all starts with a glimpse
Confession: Since my break=up with the Wiz, I have always just blurrily glanced over to him when I notice his presence.
Today, however, I allowed myself to look, to really really look.
And now I realize why I have never looked before. Because I melted, because my heart pounded, because he looked good, so, so goood! He looked nearly irresistible and I realized through the look, that I am still very very attached to him.
He is so tall and thin, with broad shoulders and long legs. His face is impeccable, and even though I know his age, I can never believe it when I look at him. He has taken to wearing tight-fitting pants (many pairs that we picked out together) and form-fitting sweaters, and I swear, he couldn't look better.
The problem was, once I looked, I just couldn't stop staring. My eyes were transfixed on him, even as I conversed with Professor Fascism about the 10K, with Professor Sex about the horrible trend to promote abstinence, and with Gidget about who-knows-what.
I knew and I realized today that he is handsome and striking--the most beautifully attractive man that I could see. And his charms, with people, and the way he was when he was good with me.... all of him is so beautiful when I think of the good things.
But one must remember also that he was tyrannical with me and my time. Little Hammer had to remind me over and over again about how Wizard was the crazy one, really. About the mis-trusts at the most innocent of moments, even when I did truly love him.
I don't want to only remember the bad though. The dangerous part of being susceptible to him is knowing that the Wiz and I are so very good together, and so very bad too.
Not only was it the end-of-year party today, but it was a big day for the Wiz as well. He was appealing to the executive committee to allow him to stay in the department.
I then met with the Zems for a pasta dinner and then to see Awake and Sing a show about a disfunctional family from 1935. It's about how the adult children in the family are able to overcome the obstacles of their parents. Everyone in the show had his or her own dream, and believe me, there were plenty of tragedies. The grandfather was such a nice and smart man. he was a dogmatic marxist who survived the demaning nature of his daughter by listening to opera music. one night the matriarch of the family broke each and every one of his records, smashing them against the furniture. The grandfather remains calm, but does his daughter's bidding by taking the dog upstairs for a walk. Well, he "slipped" off the roof. Really-- the music was his only pleasure, his only love.
After he died, his grandson was "22 and on fire" even after losing his grandfather/best friend and his girl left him.
*sigh* gotta go to sleep.
Today, however, I allowed myself to look, to really really look.
And now I realize why I have never looked before. Because I melted, because my heart pounded, because he looked good, so, so goood! He looked nearly irresistible and I realized through the look, that I am still very very attached to him.
He is so tall and thin, with broad shoulders and long legs. His face is impeccable, and even though I know his age, I can never believe it when I look at him. He has taken to wearing tight-fitting pants (many pairs that we picked out together) and form-fitting sweaters, and I swear, he couldn't look better.
The problem was, once I looked, I just couldn't stop staring. My eyes were transfixed on him, even as I conversed with Professor Fascism about the 10K, with Professor Sex about the horrible trend to promote abstinence, and with Gidget about who-knows-what.
I knew and I realized today that he is handsome and striking--the most beautifully attractive man that I could see. And his charms, with people, and the way he was when he was good with me.... all of him is so beautiful when I think of the good things.
But one must remember also that he was tyrannical with me and my time. Little Hammer had to remind me over and over again about how Wizard was the crazy one, really. About the mis-trusts at the most innocent of moments, even when I did truly love him.
I don't want to only remember the bad though. The dangerous part of being susceptible to him is knowing that the Wiz and I are so very good together, and so very bad too.
Not only was it the end-of-year party today, but it was a big day for the Wiz as well. He was appealing to the executive committee to allow him to stay in the department.
I then met with the Zems for a pasta dinner and then to see Awake and Sing a show about a disfunctional family from 1935. It's about how the adult children in the family are able to overcome the obstacles of their parents. Everyone in the show had his or her own dream, and believe me, there were plenty of tragedies. The grandfather was such a nice and smart man. he was a dogmatic marxist who survived the demaning nature of his daughter by listening to opera music. one night the matriarch of the family broke each and every one of his records, smashing them against the furniture. The grandfather remains calm, but does his daughter's bidding by taking the dog upstairs for a walk. Well, he "slipped" off the roof. Really-- the music was his only pleasure, his only love.
After he died, his grandson was "22 and on fire" even after losing his grandfather/best friend and his girl left him.
*sigh* gotta go to sleep.
# posted by Jessica @ 18.5.06 
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