Saturday, November 26, 2005
"You have X number of needs..." The Confessions of a Grownup Brat, Still Spoiled
"...and if he can't meet them, then it's time to fill them with others."
Who said this? ah, yes, the famous words of Hyde, no less! I love her.
Today I am stricken with terrible cramps. Terrible. Debilitating. The kind that make you bend over and grab your stomach. Nonetheless, I went to school. I had to type and print some things out. The Wizard was there too. He found me in a strange sickened state.
*PAUSE FOR A NEW NARRATIVE THAT GOES BACK 48 HOURS*
Thursday: Thanksgiving dinner. Turkey leaves oven at ten p.m. I am at the Scorpion's house. She is selfish and bitchy. At least Velma is nice. 1:30am, I leave the Scorpion's, to the Wizard's to sleep. He is in a great mood, as am I. (Great for us, that is.) We sleep.
Next day, Friday, he ushers me out at high speed! It was time for his strange guru meeting. I think he is the member of some kind of Eastern cult thing. He meets with these friends, including a hyper-smart 82-yr-old woman (his best friend) and a ultra-intelligent physicist from India, with a wife and two daughters. Also a middle-aged rich and fat woman with a mansion in new Jersey. Wiz has never ever included me in these friendly meetings. I finally asked him what the hell they do? I guess they eat thai food in chelsea. and then they talk about how there's really nothing outside of the bodily experience. They are into someone called "UG" who is a self-proclaimed "anti-guru." I'm not kidding.
Anyhow, I came home, without eating, that morning, and just hung out at my place. I feel like Thursday I made a dent in my sofa, which on friday became a crevice, and today it was a full-fledged hole.
In any event, Timesy was heading toward New York, his orbit would approach Gotham round about 6 or 8 pm. It was crucial that i not tell Wiz what i was doing, because i didn't feel like smearing my new cellphone with tears and mascara (too late). Timesy and I do not hook up, if only because he literally does not know how to have sex with anything but his dick. no looking, nor kissing. (romantic, right?) anyways, hyde and i bonded. she was in my neighborhood with two huge cable/dvr boxes. she drank a grog. and i made up a dance just to represent timesy. Timesy showed up at the tavern, quickly taking over to hail hyde her cab. Then he and i moseyed over to one of the many expensive restaurants downstairs from my apartment which i can't afford. he bought me another G&T there. then we went to sushi at another O.O.T.E.R.D.F.M.A.W.I.C.A. Yummm. Expensive sushi.
He wanted pot, we called for a hookup. I somehoe survived getting into the car with two drug dealers, closing the door (at their behest) even while saying outloud, "This is against my better judgment, but I'll go ahead and do it anyway." Well, they handed me the bag of weed, and I handed them Timesy's $50 cash. I re-entered the sushi restaurant, where Timesy was luxuriously sipping his vodka-soda (his drink, apparently.)
Since this is my diary, and most of you have probably already stopped reading by now (thanks for caring, Hyde!), I am free to do a little riff on Timesy. Timesy is proof-positive that even the perfect guy is just not right. He's cute, check, tall, check, smart, check, a writer, check, careerman for the F-ing new york times, check, fluent in french, check, interested in dark films, check, wears a t-shirt and blazer, check, J-ish, check, and rides his bike everywhere, check! In spite of all of these irresistible characteristics, he's just not date-able, folks. Because: awkward, check, no eye or lip contact in sex, check, in love with self, check, and most importantly, when presented with tall blond slender girl versus shorter curvier brunette, he inevitably picks the latter as the hotter. (I am the tall blond slender girl type! Woops!) he mentioned as much during Eyes wide shut which we watched high on my couch. Weird movie, better high. Between lying to the wizard, smoking pot, 3-4 G&Ts, my "time of the month", and Timesy's loving allusions about the shorter, curviers, I had pretty much been pared down to half my size. Was time for me to call it a night. All I really wanted was to go home and talk to the Wizard. And so I didÂUNTIL 4 IN THE MORNING. I blurred my evening's details to cover the fact that I had been with one boy. And instead included Hyde, NDN, and a bunch of others in the mix. That was when the Wizard told me about his non-guru times. And explained that I just wouldn't be included in that no matter what. And he also said that he wasn't 100% devoted to me any more. OK. Thanks, Wiz. Me neither.
**BACK TO TONIGHT'S ISSUE, FULL THROTTLE** So the Wiz found me on the couch of the history department. I was cramped on the couch. Wiz revived me. He felt sorry. He was very nice. He called me "Sweetie" and we went downstairs because he was hungry. He bought fresh OJ. Then he needed to go buy a pan. So he went to buy a pan. Then we went to get hamburgers. His was too salty so he sent it back. (Normal behavior) Then I thought about how nice it would be when we got back to his place and we'd light a fire and read by the fire. BUT: Where am I now? I am home. Why? Old Wizard was ready to get on his "track" for work. Whatever.
Back to the subject line: "I have X number of needs." I must fill them with certian boys. The going-out-on-the-town need was filled by Timesy. The long conversation need (or detour? Who knows?) was filled by Wizard. And what about the late-night fireplace when I have a stomach ache and quiet reading and cozy times need???? By no one apparently. What about soft warm light, a good book, and the man that you love on a cold frigid Saturday night? I guess that need wouldn't be filled.
I was so willing to be quiet and do my reading too with the Wizard. he truly did not want me at his place. While I have been blogging, he called to say hi and that he feels like he displeased me and he's sorry. Irresistibly sweet. "Sig-Heil, Queen Madame Hammer! She mustn't be displeased!"
I must ask: Are we really entitled to get all of our needs filled? Or am I just a grown-up version of what Mystic describes on , those teenagers in the mall, who get whatever they want, and therefore they aren't good people. I have been very lucky in my life, it's true. But it's still not easy. Not in the way it isn't easy for someone who lives on the street, or someone suffering from a physical disease, but I suffer from an abundance of choice, what Sartre deemed the modern condition.
I think now is the time for me to tell you about my affinity for Keirkegaard. Here is the quote that really epitomizes my life, most of the time:
Read carefully, for these are wise words and they will change your life!
EITHER/OR
An ecstatic lecture
"If you marry, you will regret it; if you do not marry, you will also regret it; if you marry or if you do not marry, you will regret both; whether you marry or you do not marry, you will regret both.
Laugh at the world's follies, you will regret it; weep over them, you will regret both; whether you laugh at the world's follies or you weep over them, you will regret both.
Believe a girl, you will regret it; if you do not believe her, you will regret it; if you believe a girl or you do not believe her, you will regret both; whether you believe a girl or you do not believe her you will regret both (that one's for you, Wizard!).
If you hang yourself, you will regret it; if you do not hang yourself you will regret it; if you hang yourself or you do not hang yourself you will regret both; whether you hang yourself or you do not hang yourself you will regret both."
Soren Keirkegaard wrote these words in the 1860s. very clearly he came from the bourgeoisie in the appetizing and very civil land of Denmark. He was already all too familiar with the condition of modernity, in an affluent world when you feel that all choices are yours, and yet you want to fit into some mold, you want to please your parents, you want to appease your boyfriend, you want to feel some sense of *real* connection with someone. In a culture of abundance, in a life of abundance, there are difficulties too. It's a horrible feeling, because it's not like someone else is against you, but rather you are pitted against yourself. Beating yourself up for every choice you make.
And so I have begun this entry with a proclamation of self-empowerment and cool jaded-woman attitude, and now I'm ending it with a window into the endless self-struggle that accompanies all of the actions that I take (and mind you, I only ever take action out of default).
Yes, folks, I am the Queen Hesitator! There's none worse than me!
Be well.
Who said this? ah, yes, the famous words of Hyde, no less! I love her.
Today I am stricken with terrible cramps. Terrible. Debilitating. The kind that make you bend over and grab your stomach. Nonetheless, I went to school. I had to type and print some things out. The Wizard was there too. He found me in a strange sickened state.
*PAUSE FOR A NEW NARRATIVE THAT GOES BACK 48 HOURS*
Thursday: Thanksgiving dinner. Turkey leaves oven at ten p.m. I am at the Scorpion's house. She is selfish and bitchy. At least Velma is nice. 1:30am, I leave the Scorpion's, to the Wizard's to sleep. He is in a great mood, as am I. (Great for us, that is.) We sleep.
Next day, Friday, he ushers me out at high speed! It was time for his strange guru meeting. I think he is the member of some kind of Eastern cult thing. He meets with these friends, including a hyper-smart 82-yr-old woman (his best friend) and a ultra-intelligent physicist from India, with a wife and two daughters. Also a middle-aged rich and fat woman with a mansion in new Jersey. Wiz has never ever included me in these friendly meetings. I finally asked him what the hell they do? I guess they eat thai food in chelsea. and then they talk about how there's really nothing outside of the bodily experience. They are into someone called "UG" who is a self-proclaimed "anti-guru." I'm not kidding.
Anyhow, I came home, without eating, that morning, and just hung out at my place. I feel like Thursday I made a dent in my sofa, which on friday became a crevice, and today it was a full-fledged hole.
In any event, Timesy was heading toward New York, his orbit would approach Gotham round about 6 or 8 pm. It was crucial that i not tell Wiz what i was doing, because i didn't feel like smearing my new cellphone with tears and mascara (too late). Timesy and I do not hook up, if only because he literally does not know how to have sex with anything but his dick. no looking, nor kissing. (romantic, right?) anyways, hyde and i bonded. she was in my neighborhood with two huge cable/dvr boxes. she drank a grog. and i made up a dance just to represent timesy. Timesy showed up at the tavern, quickly taking over to hail hyde her cab. Then he and i moseyed over to one of the many expensive restaurants downstairs from my apartment which i can't afford. he bought me another G&T there. then we went to sushi at another O.O.T.E.R.D.F.M.A.W.I.C.A. Yummm. Expensive sushi.
He wanted pot, we called for a hookup. I somehoe survived getting into the car with two drug dealers, closing the door (at their behest) even while saying outloud, "This is against my better judgment, but I'll go ahead and do it anyway." Well, they handed me the bag of weed, and I handed them Timesy's $50 cash. I re-entered the sushi restaurant, where Timesy was luxuriously sipping his vodka-soda (his drink, apparently.)
Since this is my diary, and most of you have probably already stopped reading by now (thanks for caring, Hyde!), I am free to do a little riff on Timesy. Timesy is proof-positive that even the perfect guy is just not right. He's cute, check, tall, check, smart, check, a writer, check, careerman for the F-ing new york times, check, fluent in french, check, interested in dark films, check, wears a t-shirt and blazer, check, J-ish, check, and rides his bike everywhere, check! In spite of all of these irresistible characteristics, he's just not date-able, folks. Because: awkward, check, no eye or lip contact in sex, check, in love with self, check, and most importantly, when presented with tall blond slender girl versus shorter curvier brunette, he inevitably picks the latter as the hotter. (I am the tall blond slender girl type! Woops!) he mentioned as much during Eyes wide shut which we watched high on my couch. Weird movie, better high. Between lying to the wizard, smoking pot, 3-4 G&Ts, my "time of the month", and Timesy's loving allusions about the shorter, curviers, I had pretty much been pared down to half my size. Was time for me to call it a night. All I really wanted was to go home and talk to the Wizard. And so I didÂUNTIL 4 IN THE MORNING. I blurred my evening's details to cover the fact that I had been with one boy. And instead included Hyde, NDN, and a bunch of others in the mix. That was when the Wizard told me about his non-guru times. And explained that I just wouldn't be included in that no matter what. And he also said that he wasn't 100% devoted to me any more. OK. Thanks, Wiz. Me neither.
**BACK TO TONIGHT'S ISSUE, FULL THROTTLE** So the Wiz found me on the couch of the history department. I was cramped on the couch. Wiz revived me. He felt sorry. He was very nice. He called me "Sweetie" and we went downstairs because he was hungry. He bought fresh OJ. Then he needed to go buy a pan. So he went to buy a pan. Then we went to get hamburgers. His was too salty so he sent it back. (Normal behavior) Then I thought about how nice it would be when we got back to his place and we'd light a fire and read by the fire. BUT: Where am I now? I am home. Why? Old Wizard was ready to get on his "track" for work. Whatever.
Back to the subject line: "I have X number of needs." I must fill them with certian boys. The going-out-on-the-town need was filled by Timesy. The long conversation need (or detour? Who knows?) was filled by Wizard. And what about the late-night fireplace when I have a stomach ache and quiet reading and cozy times need???? By no one apparently. What about soft warm light, a good book, and the man that you love on a cold frigid Saturday night? I guess that need wouldn't be filled.
I was so willing to be quiet and do my reading too with the Wizard. he truly did not want me at his place. While I have been blogging, he called to say hi and that he feels like he displeased me and he's sorry. Irresistibly sweet. "Sig-Heil, Queen Madame Hammer! She mustn't be displeased!"
I must ask: Are we really entitled to get all of our needs filled? Or am I just a grown-up version of what Mystic describes on , those teenagers in the mall, who get whatever they want, and therefore they aren't good people. I have been very lucky in my life, it's true. But it's still not easy. Not in the way it isn't easy for someone who lives on the street, or someone suffering from a physical disease, but I suffer from an abundance of choice, what Sartre deemed the modern condition.
I think now is the time for me to tell you about my affinity for Keirkegaard. Here is the quote that really epitomizes my life, most of the time:
Read carefully, for these are wise words and they will change your life!
EITHER/OR
An ecstatic lecture
"If you marry, you will regret it; if you do not marry, you will also regret it; if you marry or if you do not marry, you will regret both; whether you marry or you do not marry, you will regret both.
Laugh at the world's follies, you will regret it; weep over them, you will regret both; whether you laugh at the world's follies or you weep over them, you will regret both.
Believe a girl, you will regret it; if you do not believe her, you will regret it; if you believe a girl or you do not believe her, you will regret both; whether you believe a girl or you do not believe her you will regret both (that one's for you, Wizard!).
If you hang yourself, you will regret it; if you do not hang yourself you will regret it; if you hang yourself or you do not hang yourself you will regret both; whether you hang yourself or you do not hang yourself you will regret both."
Soren Keirkegaard wrote these words in the 1860s. very clearly he came from the bourgeoisie in the appetizing and very civil land of Denmark. He was already all too familiar with the condition of modernity, in an affluent world when you feel that all choices are yours, and yet you want to fit into some mold, you want to please your parents, you want to appease your boyfriend, you want to feel some sense of *real* connection with someone. In a culture of abundance, in a life of abundance, there are difficulties too. It's a horrible feeling, because it's not like someone else is against you, but rather you are pitted against yourself. Beating yourself up for every choice you make.
And so I have begun this entry with a proclamation of self-empowerment and cool jaded-woman attitude, and now I'm ending it with a window into the endless self-struggle that accompanies all of the actions that I take (and mind you, I only ever take action out of default).
Yes, folks, I am the Queen Hesitator! There's none worse than me!
Be well.
# posted by Jessica @ 26.11.05 
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]