Hammer-philia

"Psychotic bitch!" OK, that is the latest word on what the Wizard, er, OG, just phoned to call me to say. I literally just woke up---it's 9am. I got three phonecalls on my cell from 6am from him, plus three all-caps text messages, all insulting me and calling me a bitch or psycho or liar.
What's the back-story?

Wiz and I have had a long-standing on-and-off love affair; it started when Hyde started seeing the Narc. He is much much older than me. (much!) He has been obsessed with me, and he breaks out into these temper tantrums quite often delusional that i have seen someone else. This summer at the end of the summer we broke up. There are a lot of really good things I could tell you about him: Like no one has ever loved me as he has; like he is handsome and athletic and a wonderfully smart person who can cook well and makes me feel like a billion bucks all the time. But he has a very cruel very hard dark side; he is possessive with me. I am not perfect; I have been ambivalent about him, because of his age. I have also not liked the way that he has set terms and set morals about "what it means to love" that i feel i must follow. What can I say? I am stubborn. I have been doing a lot of self-exploration, and I want things like love or like creativity to come to me organically, untainted by what someone else might force onto me.

So Wiz and I were broken up for a couple months, and in that time I met the Arch, a younger man, very sweet, and very very laid back. We were seeing each other and it was getting more serious, with him introducing me to his family etc. He left to go to SE Asia. I began again with Wiz almost immediately. There is such chemistry between us, and we see each other because we work in the same place. Wiz had many justifications and crazy proclamations throughout the weeks, which I will summarize briefly here: "I love you too much. I just want to be with you; i don't care about your other lovers." then: "I have decided having someone in our space is too much for me. Can you be monogamous?" You get the picture. He always changed around his standard. Meanwhile, I have the Arch overseas, but honestly, how can this new Arch ever compete with my love for the Wizard, and long-standing intense once-in-a-lifetime thing?? I don't know that it can. So the Arch faded ever more into the background these weeks, but I went with the Wizard, although I was unsure that I could stay with him. The "age" thing is bothersome-- It's a difference of 27 years. I have gone back and forth in the way that I have felt about it. But it's a factor that I cannot ignore in the Wizard. I guess that I didn't want to build something with him over several years, just to break up with him for his age. I don't know why. That probably would have been better than what has now happened. The problem for me is that the Wiz seemed to blame me so often for the love he felt. He put me on a pedestal, only to resent me for being up there! It was very difficult.

Anyway, the Arch came back a week ago. i hadn't seen him yet, and wasn't sure. On Wednesday night I was with Wizard, a big move since the Arch was already back. I am just so confused, and I can't seem to ever put my foot down. What do I even say to Wizard? What do I say to Arch? I like having both of them, but it put my emotions into some sort of "locked box" (remember that from the Gore-Bush debates??). I was to remain as I was for both, and it seemed like I was responsible for each of their feelings.

On with the narrative: So the Arch wants to go to dinner on Friday night. I really just wanted to be with the Wizard, albeit without doing what I feared and downright breaking up with Arch. I wrote Arch a weak attempt at a blow-off, like "I am not as available as I used to be..." or something. It was a horrible failure. He called me and emailed me, with "Hammer, it would be so great to see you, etc etc.. I want to tell you stories about my trip!" Meanwhile Wiz and I had hatched tentative plans to be together that evening. It got dark at like 5pm, and I came home and collapsed in a heap of tiredness and confusion. I cancelled on the Wiz in any case, and anyway had a pseudo plan to go to ballet class until 8pm. I couldn't even do that, although I wish that I had. I told the Wizard that I needed to regroup and do some laundry. I talked a long time with Velma. It's hard to stay away from the Wiz. He really is wonderful. Most people are anti-Wiz because of his tantrums and his oldness. Wiz is a great human being. But I am not about to go on a PR campaign for him.

In my ever-self-destructive aims to please, I couldn't resist the Arch. Plus, I started thinking of the longue duree with Wiz, how there are so many problems and it could never work. I also felt the pressure from Arch, like now-or-never type pressure. Hyde and I talked it through, and she tried to convince me to separate the two people. Well, I tried. Arch came over, looking cute, but I had the "Wizard OG Shadow" obscuring my perception. I could not see the Arch just for the Arch's sake. I felt guilty and in the wrong. We had sushi and I heard his stories about Taiwan and all. Of course when we came back from dinner there were several texts and voicemails from Wizard, all pissed off. "You AREN"T FEELING BLAH! YOU ARE WITH HIM!" on and on and on, I just deleted them immediately, so that I wouldn't even feel it anymore. When we got back to my place we went straight to bed. Arch was super-dramatic, out of character for him, saying "Why'd you make me wait!? Why? WHY?" all the while making love to me. I am feeling crazy at this point. Like I cannot please anyone, least of all myself. And just when I have stealed myself enough against those around me to stand up for the Wiz, something fails and I find myself with someone else, someone I am not in love with. I have myself all tied up in a knot now.

I saw the ballet movie alone last night and thought of the Wiz, his long beautiful legs and body, and his true adoration for ballet dancers. He would have been in heaven along with me during that movie. I don't know what I think; like I think that everything will now be okay with the Arch. I am not being fair to him. I am not being fair to myself either. These crazy messages from Wizard, telling me I am a psychotic bitch who needs a lot of work... I don't' want to be without either of them, but it seems that Wizard has broken up with me and left me no choice. Whoever has not stopped reading this already will hate me for saying the following:In an ideal world, I want the Wizard in my life, but I also want to be able to live a "young person's life" freely and openly. I want to be able to date and run around to bars and bike to the East Village and watch Family Guy and smoke pot and do "crass" things that people of my generation do sometimes. In his adoring love, he is absolutely possessed by me. That is the best way to put it. He wants me on his terms, in his apartment, he calls me 19 times a day and if I don't answer a text within a few minutes, he presumes the worst.
Yes, all you guys out there: I AM one of those bitchy sneaky girls, the kind who you can't resist but the kind who will betray you for others like you! I am one of those girls who constantly in her life has been accused of wanting to "have her cake and eat it too". Want to know the irony of that???? The irony is: It is not a happy place to be that girl. Having the cake and eating it, doing both is so painful, because in a constant effort to please all the boys, you end up hurting them and hurting you. So here I am: an untruthful girl, with nothing to show, and no truths to tell, which is why I have started writing into here.