Thursday, November 17, 2005
Dream-o-meter III
Last night featured a recurring dream character from home, Zelda. Zelda is my age and like me she is secular-Jewish, she is smart and just earned her PhD in bio-medical ethics. Since college she has been seeing this man who she is in love with, a dashing Cathlolic called Red. In real life, Zelda has lost her father to a deadly disease. Her mother is overpowering and manipulative ( I have known her since I was a child and always sensed that about her.) Transmitted through her mother, Zelda received the following message (in real life): That in his dying breath, her father's last wish was that Zelda please not marry Red. That was about 2 years ago. Recently Zelda has announced that she and Red will one day have Catholic children and that is that, causing an uproar among our parents' group. (Red did not show up to a close friend's wedding last weekend because of Zelda's mom).
My dream was related to this recent development. In my dream, Zelda walks into a room and proudly boasts about the process of preparing babies for a baptism. She describes cotton balls and rose water. She is wearing a green shirt and her attitude is positive, her posture proud.
Episode two of my dream featured a bunch of mothers from home, including my mother and Zelda's, who were in charge of arranging food for an event. They are in a meeting, talking about how in the future they need to be stricter about the rules, and they are crossing things off the menu.
The third episode features one of my aunts, who is particularly obsessive compulsive. She was supposed to be coming to see me in New York, and she is so nervous and scared about the big city. It annoys me because she keeps calling me to ask a million questions. I feel like such an adult compared to her; that even though she is a mother and twice my age, that I could handle myself here much easier than she could.
---end of dream sequence--
I can see my cellphone from here, and it's flashing. I am nervous to look at it because there may be a text from the Wizard. Last thing we talked i wrote "I never meant to hurt you." And he probably has some snide comment back to me. Should I check it now? Ok. *Hammer gets up off her couch and her heart begins beating faster.* Ok, yes, as suspected, it's a double text from the Wizard: "Just got your message, sweetie. yes, u hurt me much with your deceit but it hurts worse if you only knew. Worst part was I saw/felt thru it always. Why? This killed it for me. if no sanctuary and true repose in the bedroom then where else? a relationship is bankrupt. why not see that?" Yes, readers, a typical Wizard move to blame me for the entire demise of our entire relationship. A typical wizard move! Ouch, ouch, ouch, it stings a lot, but i will overcome it in a few minutes. Notice the "sweetie" in the beginning. I think that he knows full well that I have a guilty side that will easily begin to punch myself for every problem and that will anxiously cause me to come running back to him and apologize, all the while denigrating myself and taking whatever insults he has for me. But my feelings always come out super-defensive. Someone has to defend Hammer! Someone has to tell the Wizard that Hammer loved him in the best and only way she knew how! Don't you see the family pressure that I have on my relationships, from the dream I narrated???
Well, I have to see him tonight at a monthly seminar. Will be interesting to look across the dinner table and no one else will know the things he has called me and what he has said to me. I cannot forgive him for the way he poops on my ego constantly. I must loosen myself from his grasp though. Whatever he does or says, whatever he needs to say, let him say it. Someday, somehow, I will be immune to his insults. One thing that helps is to think that he is only insulting because he loves me so much. He is wrestling with himself, like I am wrestling with myself.
Oh well. Lots of work to do.
Hammer
9:55-- Addendum: Second dream.
I went back to sleep, and now I have another dream to report.
I am at a summer job, where I am a supervisor for some teenagers, around twelve years old. At the office, I have 3 good friends, and we all wait for each other for lunch, etc. (It reminded me of my friends from the museum this summer, we all stuck together. ) Everyone else in the office resents us for being too close. They tell us not to be together so much. I can tell that they are all talking about us behind our backs. So I go it alone, taking on my own project. I am on a small boat with no walls, supervising a rowdy group of teenage boys. Their rowdiness and obnoxious fighting knocks me off the boat; it was really out of hand. The boat is about 6 or 8 feet above the surface of the water. Now I am swimming behind it. One of the more obnoxious young boys gets thrown in the air, hitting his head, and then falling in the water. I grab him under water and cover his mouth and nose so his lungs won't fill with water. Now for the strange twist: I consciously hold him underneath the water for a split second longer than I should. I feel myself taking out my resentment on him, and relishing in the brief moment of control that i have, forcing his unconscious head deeper down for just a few seconds. Then, I take his body inside, where all of my colleagues can see that I have just rescued the boy. He wakes up and he is so thankful but I still secretly know what I have done to him, that i didn't do my best to save him, that i perpetuated his suffering for a few seconds longer.
--end of dream sequence---
Any analyses!?!?
My dream was related to this recent development. In my dream, Zelda walks into a room and proudly boasts about the process of preparing babies for a baptism. She describes cotton balls and rose water. She is wearing a green shirt and her attitude is positive, her posture proud.
Episode two of my dream featured a bunch of mothers from home, including my mother and Zelda's, who were in charge of arranging food for an event. They are in a meeting, talking about how in the future they need to be stricter about the rules, and they are crossing things off the menu.
The third episode features one of my aunts, who is particularly obsessive compulsive. She was supposed to be coming to see me in New York, and she is so nervous and scared about the big city. It annoys me because she keeps calling me to ask a million questions. I feel like such an adult compared to her; that even though she is a mother and twice my age, that I could handle myself here much easier than she could.
---end of dream sequence--
I can see my cellphone from here, and it's flashing. I am nervous to look at it because there may be a text from the Wizard. Last thing we talked i wrote "I never meant to hurt you." And he probably has some snide comment back to me. Should I check it now? Ok. *Hammer gets up off her couch and her heart begins beating faster.* Ok, yes, as suspected, it's a double text from the Wizard: "Just got your message, sweetie. yes, u hurt me much with your deceit but it hurts worse if you only knew. Worst part was I saw/felt thru it always. Why? This killed it for me. if no sanctuary and true repose in the bedroom then where else? a relationship is bankrupt. why not see that?" Yes, readers, a typical Wizard move to blame me for the entire demise of our entire relationship. A typical wizard move! Ouch, ouch, ouch, it stings a lot, but i will overcome it in a few minutes. Notice the "sweetie" in the beginning. I think that he knows full well that I have a guilty side that will easily begin to punch myself for every problem and that will anxiously cause me to come running back to him and apologize, all the while denigrating myself and taking whatever insults he has for me. But my feelings always come out super-defensive. Someone has to defend Hammer! Someone has to tell the Wizard that Hammer loved him in the best and only way she knew how! Don't you see the family pressure that I have on my relationships, from the dream I narrated???
Well, I have to see him tonight at a monthly seminar. Will be interesting to look across the dinner table and no one else will know the things he has called me and what he has said to me. I cannot forgive him for the way he poops on my ego constantly. I must loosen myself from his grasp though. Whatever he does or says, whatever he needs to say, let him say it. Someday, somehow, I will be immune to his insults. One thing that helps is to think that he is only insulting because he loves me so much. He is wrestling with himself, like I am wrestling with myself.
Oh well. Lots of work to do.
Hammer
9:55-- Addendum: Second dream.
I went back to sleep, and now I have another dream to report.
I am at a summer job, where I am a supervisor for some teenagers, around twelve years old. At the office, I have 3 good friends, and we all wait for each other for lunch, etc. (It reminded me of my friends from the museum this summer, we all stuck together. ) Everyone else in the office resents us for being too close. They tell us not to be together so much. I can tell that they are all talking about us behind our backs. So I go it alone, taking on my own project. I am on a small boat with no walls, supervising a rowdy group of teenage boys. Their rowdiness and obnoxious fighting knocks me off the boat; it was really out of hand. The boat is about 6 or 8 feet above the surface of the water. Now I am swimming behind it. One of the more obnoxious young boys gets thrown in the air, hitting his head, and then falling in the water. I grab him under water and cover his mouth and nose so his lungs won't fill with water. Now for the strange twist: I consciously hold him underneath the water for a split second longer than I should. I feel myself taking out my resentment on him, and relishing in the brief moment of control that i have, forcing his unconscious head deeper down for just a few seconds. Then, I take his body inside, where all of my colleagues can see that I have just rescued the boy. He wakes up and he is so thankful but I still secretly know what I have done to him, that i didn't do my best to save him, that i perpetuated his suffering for a few seconds longer.
--end of dream sequence---
Any analyses!?!?
# posted by Jessica @ 17.11.05 
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