Monday, November 14, 2005
Dream-o-meter I
Just woke up from a disturbing dream. Here it is:
I got a phone call from this guy claiming to be some kind of social liason for my school. One of those all-American organs which state that they are "here for you if you need them." In any case it was some kind of obligatory thing that I meet this guy. So I went downstairs and met him, and I immediately found him to be acting too intimate with me. I was polite and nice, as I usually am with guys who I feel have a crush on me, but also I knew this was a necessity for my professional life. Anyways, the weird thing was the guy's appearence. He was the height of the Arch, about 5'10" and a skinny but a little thick around the middle. But he was in his 40s, with gray hair on his head and a black mustache--kind of a round face. Come to think of it, he looked like a nerdy aged version of the Arch, with a little bit of the Wiz's mexican and aging flair. (Scary, right!?) So, I finished the meeting with the guy in a professional enough way, and he mentioned that the next step of the process was for him to check out my apartment. So he buzzed up (the apartment was not exactly like mine is now, nothing like it, actually, but I knew it was mine). Then, he asked me to show him something in my room, and boom! he tried to make his move. When I started uncomfortably pushing him away, he got very very angry, and started making a huge flailing drama in front of my roommate. I remember feeling embarrassed that the roommate thought that I actually cared for this guy and provoked him into the behavior, but above all else, I felt a very sharp sense that I did not want to take my clothes off with this strange man, who seemed to feel like he was so entitled to me. It was revolting and I woke up wanting to go on an abstinence campaign.
--End of Dream.--
I have been feeling quite anxious, as I usually do when accused and abused by the Wizard. (See the posts from March 2005 and November 2004 as an example, but it really always happens this way.) When I woke up this morning, I had to suppress my impulse to call the Wizard. I had to remind myself of his alter-ego (Hyde and I call the alter ego O.G.) who I have seen so much of these days. It's kind of like dealing with a drunk--you know your friend is there somewhere, but he's far from you right now, and there's nothing to do but wait for him to come back. Wait and wait.
To quell my anxieties, I like to remember this summer when I was in D.C. I was alone with a great job at a museum there, and I had a couple of great friends who were also alone and into the work. They inspired me so much, because they didn't have this frenzied anxiety about loneliness or couplehood that I had. They were comfortable on their track, and they seemed to keep a balance that was okay. I came back from D.C. in this mode, and I was totally broken up with Wizard (aka O.G.). I was okay with it, i had my bicycle and was therefore freed from the cellphone. I was dating around, until I met the Arch. He was one of the first dates that I met. We slept together the first night, not out of love, but out of lust. (I remember thinking how great the sex was, but that it was to remain a one-night-stand, but what a sweet and lovely one...! Because even then I knew that we had nothing really in common....) Well, here i am , what, a month? two months? later. The Arch is posing a problem for me, and I have reunited with the Wizard not once, but two times for weeks on end. It was easier when I could only thing of the Wizard as OG and not as the sweet and loving and pasisonate and generous person that he can be. It was easier when I didn't feel like I was so in love with him.
Anyway, the no-sex-but-good-sex abstinence campaign has officially begun. I declare that I am on day two of it.
Also, a note to the readers: yesterday was sunday, and it was a difficult day for me. I published several posts, the most significant of which is called "my own worst enemy." Hyde told me that people tend to just look at the most recent posts, woops, I wouldn't know. So read up for details, I would like that.
I got a phone call from this guy claiming to be some kind of social liason for my school. One of those all-American organs which state that they are "here for you if you need them." In any case it was some kind of obligatory thing that I meet this guy. So I went downstairs and met him, and I immediately found him to be acting too intimate with me. I was polite and nice, as I usually am with guys who I feel have a crush on me, but also I knew this was a necessity for my professional life. Anyways, the weird thing was the guy's appearence. He was the height of the Arch, about 5'10" and a skinny but a little thick around the middle. But he was in his 40s, with gray hair on his head and a black mustache--kind of a round face. Come to think of it, he looked like a nerdy aged version of the Arch, with a little bit of the Wiz's mexican and aging flair. (Scary, right!?) So, I finished the meeting with the guy in a professional enough way, and he mentioned that the next step of the process was for him to check out my apartment. So he buzzed up (the apartment was not exactly like mine is now, nothing like it, actually, but I knew it was mine). Then, he asked me to show him something in my room, and boom! he tried to make his move. When I started uncomfortably pushing him away, he got very very angry, and started making a huge flailing drama in front of my roommate. I remember feeling embarrassed that the roommate thought that I actually cared for this guy and provoked him into the behavior, but above all else, I felt a very sharp sense that I did not want to take my clothes off with this strange man, who seemed to feel like he was so entitled to me. It was revolting and I woke up wanting to go on an abstinence campaign.
--End of Dream.--
I have been feeling quite anxious, as I usually do when accused and abused by the Wizard. (See the posts from March 2005 and November 2004 as an example, but it really always happens this way.) When I woke up this morning, I had to suppress my impulse to call the Wizard. I had to remind myself of his alter-ego (Hyde and I call the alter ego O.G.) who I have seen so much of these days. It's kind of like dealing with a drunk--you know your friend is there somewhere, but he's far from you right now, and there's nothing to do but wait for him to come back. Wait and wait.
To quell my anxieties, I like to remember this summer when I was in D.C. I was alone with a great job at a museum there, and I had a couple of great friends who were also alone and into the work. They inspired me so much, because they didn't have this frenzied anxiety about loneliness or couplehood that I had. They were comfortable on their track, and they seemed to keep a balance that was okay. I came back from D.C. in this mode, and I was totally broken up with Wizard (aka O.G.). I was okay with it, i had my bicycle and was therefore freed from the cellphone. I was dating around, until I met the Arch. He was one of the first dates that I met. We slept together the first night, not out of love, but out of lust. (I remember thinking how great the sex was, but that it was to remain a one-night-stand, but what a sweet and lovely one...! Because even then I knew that we had nothing really in common....) Well, here i am , what, a month? two months? later. The Arch is posing a problem for me, and I have reunited with the Wizard not once, but two times for weeks on end. It was easier when I could only thing of the Wizard as OG and not as the sweet and loving and pasisonate and generous person that he can be. It was easier when I didn't feel like I was so in love with him.
Anyway, the no-sex-but-good-sex abstinence campaign has officially begun. I declare that I am on day two of it.
Also, a note to the readers: yesterday was sunday, and it was a difficult day for me. I published several posts, the most significant of which is called "my own worst enemy." Hyde told me that people tend to just look at the most recent posts, woops, I wouldn't know. So read up for details, I would like that.
# posted by Jessica @ 14.11.05 
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