Hammer-philia

there's a sea of dandruff outside, and i feel angry, emotional, and restless as hell, perhaps due to the coffee and the unprecedented attack from theWizard this morning. Every so often, he'll get all accusatory and say that i don't want him as much as he wants me or whatever. i just don't know how to handle that kind of emotion. i suppose that in the end he wants more than i do, or wants to be closer. whatever.

so i did the paper, so now should have one of my incompletes out of the way. i wrote about buber and heidegger-- buber, so sweet, and someone who invented the concept of seeing each person as a "You." so wonderfully generous seeing things and the world that way, because really the world is immersed in "You", the eternal you, meaning God.

On a more practical level, now that I handed in the paper to ProfessorPolitcalPerve, I should be able to ask him for the money he owes me. He owes me 22 hours of proofreading from an invoice dated from the end of November, 2003. 22 hours @ $25 an hour…. that’s hmmmm…… that’s $550, and very generous of me, since the book took far longer than 22 hours to complete. I am ready to ask him for the money because I am not as afraid of his reaction to me. I am tired of being doormat-like for everyone. I will not burn this bridge though.

I am feeling pretty angry and unfulfilled at the moment, if you can’t tell. Last night I did ballet with BrainyBalletMadame, and afterwards a nice older Japanese woman said “You have a beautiful body.” I thought that was really nice of her. I felt flattered. I wish my body could dance better and my mind could remember the steps better, though.

After ballet, I went home and showered and prepared a wonderful appetizer dish for the Wizard, with raw salmon, avocado, cheese, and crackers. We watched 24, and it turns out MICHELLE Is coming back!!!! Wooooooo! Also, tony is in charge of CTU now that Maya, Driskil’s daughter supposedly committed suicide. Does anyone else think that was a coup? How could the daughter have done that? Did Sara (who’s been acting really bitchy) do it? She has good reason to hate driskil, who put her through such hell. Whatever the case, I’m glad to see driskil’s pouting face leave. She looks like a depressed Martha Stuart, and she does not have enough intelligence or decision-making abilities to properly run the place. She is pure ego. Enough of that.

I just wrote D an email saying that I’m tired of being in-between with him, and that I want respect, either as a friend or as a soulmate, but I no longer want to be stuck in the middle with him.

Off to class now, where we’re reading Magnetic Mountain by Kotkin. I’m sick of EVERYONE. I really just want to go to yoga and be alone for the rest of the day. I have had enough battles.