Tuesday, March 29, 2005
in a cold crater?
4:54 am: Hello everyone. it's 5 in the morning. i went to bed last night at 9:30 without anything in my stomach. i felt so sick---- had the worst headache in the world, so all i could do was lay in a dark room. sleep soon came over me, but now i'm awake for a variety of reasons. first off, i guess i did just get 8 hours of sleep! Whoa! secondly, i'm nervous about keeping a promise i made to myself to not-not-not-not call the Wizard out of anxiety or whatnot. it is tuesday at 5am, and i am having my first bout of inner tension and impulse controls since i made the promise to myself 12 hours ago. i never want to talk to him again; he has been no more than a security blanket for me, one that makes me so insecure and that doesn't appreciate me at all. he sabotaged a perfectly fine relationship. folks: i could have gone on liking him a lot; i could have continued with him for some time, despite the difference in age. But he has a MAJOR MAJOR HUGE ugly side! Oh my gosh! he is ugly. he is mean. he is babyish. he is wimpy.
5:03am-- My dad wants to get my mom the following piece for her birthday:
http://www.gallerydirectart.com/sfa-66.html
Two clouds kissing in a single charismatic impulse... how very sweet! My parents have such a sweet relationship. So does my brother and his fiance and my sister and her boyfriend. I can't help but feel a little envious of all of those wonderful connections. Our parents love each other so much, and they really do enjoy each other's company. There is a whole fucked-up part of society (and one i have heard with my own ears personally) that claims that a man's attraction for his wife deminishes, and that what he really wants is a younger woman. I just don't think it's so in my parents' case. And I just don't believe that they operate on that petty level.
Today I have a lot of work to do, although I feel a little bit anxious and empty going into the day. I will try to go back to sleep, to read a bit. I have been looking at Eric Hobwbawm's memoirs, as well as Peter Gay's. It helps to read the memoirs of such famous historians beacause it brings back their own experience to the wonderful work they do. Peter Gay is one of my favorite writers because he can make the history of enormous figures such as Rousseau seem so personal. The fact is, "being human" is something universal in many ways. It doesn't matter if you are a famous historian, or a genius philosopher, or me, here in this apartment. We have similar needs: companionship, comfort, a sense of grounding...... These are things that every human being needs. (Among other things of course). Modern people (post-1800) have had increasingly more control over their everyday needs. That means their "social status" has become more malleable than it was in feudal times. No one is locked into a lifestyle in the same way. More importantly, moderns have obtained so much control over our bodies, that it really takes much much more to kill a person than it has in the past. We have so much control that we get a new problem: the unfortunate case of Terri Schiavo. It was just not enough to hope that she was going to wake up. Now she's turned into some icon. (I wonder if she's died yet?)
on a more personal note, i just ate half of a huge lasagna. Strange breakfast, i know, but it was supposed to have been my dinner. I fell asleep at 930 with a tremendous headache. I managed a good ballet class, though. I can feel myself improving. It takes a lot of mental energy to remember the combinations, but slowly my body is beginning to remember them. I talked to one woman who is in beautiful shape and in her late 50s or early 60s. She dances every day! We both do a lot of ballet and yoga. My teacher overheard us talking, and agreed that ballet and yoga complement each other. I agree. Yoga brings increased strength, flexibility, and breathing. Ballet is all in the lines and the mind. What can I say? I love them both!
9:03 am-- Just woke up from a dream. Hyde was all freaked out by Narc, and I saw the Wizard with a new haricut talking in a group. The Narc was sitting at a vantage point where I could see him, but Hyde couldn't. He called Hyde on the phone and tormented her, and as he was doing so he looked over at me grinning. I am not sure what else happened, but the turn of events made me think: "Love and flirtations are supposed to be playful and fun. Why have things gotten so fucked up? They're not supposed to be that way."
10:33 am-- i just hung out with d on an impulse. we made easter eggs and he took a nap and then we went to sushi. it seems that nothing is the same as it was before. nothing! it's strange: even my neighborhood sushi place is different. when i am with d, there is a cold crater dividing us. the book i'm currently reading is called In a cold crater and it's about cultural life in postwar (that is, post-nazi) germany. i guess it seemed like german culture was seaped in a deep cold crater. so deep that it seemed that it would never emerge from such an nightmare as the nazis. well, that's how i feel with d. what are we now? two empty souls filled with nothing but memories? when i hang out with him, i have this desire to take care of him, but at the same time i feel empty. our present is gone. we're nothing but a past now. what i want is someone of a high energy level again.
the deep truth is that on some weird level---even in d's presence---i miss the dumb wizard. i know that the wizard is stupid. i know this. but i miss things about him. i even miss hating him. god. but i need to grow increasingly indifferent to him, i guess. i guess he's moving on too. i guess what he wants is a clean break. well, me too!
10:42 pm--there's a doppelganger everywhere in my neighborhood following me around. she comes to CVS and to the hair salon. her voice is raspy and she has long black crusty hair and she stinks of cigarettes and liquor. i have now been accosted by her twice in two weeks. she yelled at the hair cutter today as he was cutting my hair. and at cvs she got all pissed off at the guy in front of her and decided to commisserate with me. she was buying all sorts of cakey makeup at cvs then yelling at the casheir when somehting wasnt' on sale. today at the salon she brought up the issue of money again and yelled at the beautician, demanding that he color her hair the way she wanted because she was paying, dammit! wow. she was trying so hard both times to become beautiful when it was so clear to me that she was hurting on the inside. hurting and ugly on the inside and that no matter how much cake she put on ehr face or how many more times she dyes her hair (it was already crispy and falling off) it won't matter. with all of that attempted beauty she's obviously trying something. something, like trying to better herself. i don't want to be the one to tell her that she's going about it all wrong.
i just thought i would write about her, because i felt for a moment that "she's following me for a reason" feeling. like it was some sort of fated gesture that this strange woman had interrputed (and very aggressivley so) two encounters in the past two weeks. and each time i took special notice of her. mostly because she mistreated the service people, but also because she just sticks out in this scary way.
ick!
tomorrow i am meeting my friend who i haven't seen since july. (hello? where does the time go?) i'm seeing this girl for lunch, and i hope to go running in the park before i meet her. that means i have to be uptown at hyde's office by 11 am. that means i need to leave here, with everything ready for the day, by 10:30.
i feel that my heart is enclosed by ice for many reasons which will come out later.
that's all i got in me for now.
5:03am-- My dad wants to get my mom the following piece for her birthday:
http://www.gallerydirectart.com/sfa-66.html
Two clouds kissing in a single charismatic impulse... how very sweet! My parents have such a sweet relationship. So does my brother and his fiance and my sister and her boyfriend. I can't help but feel a little envious of all of those wonderful connections. Our parents love each other so much, and they really do enjoy each other's company. There is a whole fucked-up part of society (and one i have heard with my own ears personally) that claims that a man's attraction for his wife deminishes, and that what he really wants is a younger woman. I just don't think it's so in my parents' case. And I just don't believe that they operate on that petty level.
Today I have a lot of work to do, although I feel a little bit anxious and empty going into the day. I will try to go back to sleep, to read a bit. I have been looking at Eric Hobwbawm's memoirs, as well as Peter Gay's. It helps to read the memoirs of such famous historians beacause it brings back their own experience to the wonderful work they do. Peter Gay is one of my favorite writers because he can make the history of enormous figures such as Rousseau seem so personal. The fact is, "being human" is something universal in many ways. It doesn't matter if you are a famous historian, or a genius philosopher, or me, here in this apartment. We have similar needs: companionship, comfort, a sense of grounding...... These are things that every human being needs. (Among other things of course). Modern people (post-1800) have had increasingly more control over their everyday needs. That means their "social status" has become more malleable than it was in feudal times. No one is locked into a lifestyle in the same way. More importantly, moderns have obtained so much control over our bodies, that it really takes much much more to kill a person than it has in the past. We have so much control that we get a new problem: the unfortunate case of Terri Schiavo. It was just not enough to hope that she was going to wake up. Now she's turned into some icon. (I wonder if she's died yet?)
on a more personal note, i just ate half of a huge lasagna. Strange breakfast, i know, but it was supposed to have been my dinner. I fell asleep at 930 with a tremendous headache. I managed a good ballet class, though. I can feel myself improving. It takes a lot of mental energy to remember the combinations, but slowly my body is beginning to remember them. I talked to one woman who is in beautiful shape and in her late 50s or early 60s. She dances every day! We both do a lot of ballet and yoga. My teacher overheard us talking, and agreed that ballet and yoga complement each other. I agree. Yoga brings increased strength, flexibility, and breathing. Ballet is all in the lines and the mind. What can I say? I love them both!
9:03 am-- Just woke up from a dream. Hyde was all freaked out by Narc, and I saw the Wizard with a new haricut talking in a group. The Narc was sitting at a vantage point where I could see him, but Hyde couldn't. He called Hyde on the phone and tormented her, and as he was doing so he looked over at me grinning. I am not sure what else happened, but the turn of events made me think: "Love and flirtations are supposed to be playful and fun. Why have things gotten so fucked up? They're not supposed to be that way."
10:33 am-- i just hung out with d on an impulse. we made easter eggs and he took a nap and then we went to sushi. it seems that nothing is the same as it was before. nothing! it's strange: even my neighborhood sushi place is different. when i am with d, there is a cold crater dividing us. the book i'm currently reading is called In a cold crater and it's about cultural life in postwar (that is, post-nazi) germany. i guess it seemed like german culture was seaped in a deep cold crater. so deep that it seemed that it would never emerge from such an nightmare as the nazis. well, that's how i feel with d. what are we now? two empty souls filled with nothing but memories? when i hang out with him, i have this desire to take care of him, but at the same time i feel empty. our present is gone. we're nothing but a past now. what i want is someone of a high energy level again.
the deep truth is that on some weird level---even in d's presence---i miss the dumb wizard. i know that the wizard is stupid. i know this. but i miss things about him. i even miss hating him. god. but i need to grow increasingly indifferent to him, i guess. i guess he's moving on too. i guess what he wants is a clean break. well, me too!
10:42 pm--there's a doppelganger everywhere in my neighborhood following me around. she comes to CVS and to the hair salon. her voice is raspy and she has long black crusty hair and she stinks of cigarettes and liquor. i have now been accosted by her twice in two weeks. she yelled at the hair cutter today as he was cutting my hair. and at cvs she got all pissed off at the guy in front of her and decided to commisserate with me. she was buying all sorts of cakey makeup at cvs then yelling at the casheir when somehting wasnt' on sale. today at the salon she brought up the issue of money again and yelled at the beautician, demanding that he color her hair the way she wanted because she was paying, dammit! wow. she was trying so hard both times to become beautiful when it was so clear to me that she was hurting on the inside. hurting and ugly on the inside and that no matter how much cake she put on ehr face or how many more times she dyes her hair (it was already crispy and falling off) it won't matter. with all of that attempted beauty she's obviously trying something. something, like trying to better herself. i don't want to be the one to tell her that she's going about it all wrong.
i just thought i would write about her, because i felt for a moment that "she's following me for a reason" feeling. like it was some sort of fated gesture that this strange woman had interrputed (and very aggressivley so) two encounters in the past two weeks. and each time i took special notice of her. mostly because she mistreated the service people, but also because she just sticks out in this scary way.
ick!
tomorrow i am meeting my friend who i haven't seen since july. (hello? where does the time go?) i'm seeing this girl for lunch, and i hope to go running in the park before i meet her. that means i have to be uptown at hyde's office by 11 am. that means i need to leave here, with everything ready for the day, by 10:30.
i feel that my heart is enclosed by ice for many reasons which will come out later.
that's all i got in me for now.
# posted by Jessica @ 29.3.05 
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