Hammer-philia

Three months into 28, and i've got all sorts of things floating thru my pscyhe.
however, we're not going to get all deep just now. i wanted to say that i saw this great painting at the National Gallery, called watson and the shark: http://www.nga.gov/feature/watson/watsonbig.html

I like it, because the victim in the painting ends up survivng, albeit with one leg missing. He lives to be a very successful man. in this painting, he is only 14. the rescue effort succeeded! It's a great story.

Without saying much more, I belive that my romantic life is "starting from scratch", something much needed.

I hope the painful empty time only lasts for a few days. Also, i hope i can sustain it for the duration until i feel strong again.

(Sunday night malaise.)

I feel..... miserable in something, but also miserable and lonely outside it too. My guy, "the wizard" is so goddamn possessive and dramatic for no particular reason. he's intentionally hurtful at times, and many times he is equally as sweet. but inside, there's a voice (even when things are good, mind you) that says to me: "HAMMER: get out of this. it is not for you. each moment more you spend with him is another moment of regression, instead of progress." ALTHOUGH: that doesn't mean i dont miss him so much when we're apart from each other. that really sucks too. i guess there's no way to reconcile the two thoughts. We (and i mean here you and i, princey) have got to brave these feelings out, and try to move forward. enough of the contemplation for tonight...

one more point, though: if studying history has taught me nothing else, it's that mental knowledge of facts is very weak in the face of emotional needs. Emotional needs win many times, because they are much like needing food or water. sometimes you can wish them away all you want, but they will not disappear. Also, i have a bad habit of going back to D time and again when things look sour with "Wizard." I need to let D go for once and for all, too, and then i will finally be clean, clean, clean!

(Clean will be lonely, and clean will be painful, but clean will at least be clean!)
love, history bird (aka, hammer)